What I Thought: Music and Me

Music has played a big part of my life, especially when I was younger since I wanted to be a singer. I played the violin for the majority of elementary school and in high school, I did glee club for two years. So I have been in tune with that side of my artistic self.

I love music and everything has shaped my musical taste as well. My friends in middle school shaped me to like bands like The Killers. Playing Rockband and Guitar Hero got me exposed to OK Go, Foo Fighters, and others. So middle school consisted of rock music. Also, watching the Music Countdown in VH1 got me exposed to the popular music on the radio and got me to even like Muse and Matchbox 20. Disney played a part too and I have playlists of area themed music and ride audio to soundtracks and scores of movies. In high school, I got into indie bands or not that widely known bands or bands you dont hear on the radio too often.

Once college hit, mainstream music had a part for a while since my boyfriend would play the radio on our adventures around our school or our trips to Disneyland. I was taking a music class in college and Jazz stuck with me for a while, getting me exposed to Frank Sinatra and Louie Armstrong. Also, OneRepublic dropped an album that year so I listened to that nonstop that year.

Right before the big break up with my first boyfriend, we would listen to 1989, Taylor’s album nonstop. So when we broke up, I couldn’t listen to that album till a year after. A lot of music, I had to take a break from because memories were attached. I stopped listening to disney music since we would listen to that a lot together. Some songs he dedicated to me were off limits. And then The Script played a huge part in letting my feelings and tears out since the songs that I liked from them were mostly sad, break up songs.

When I started running to court for my journalism class, I had a specific playlist that I would listen to nonstop, like the song, Stompa by Serena Ryder. I even listened to this song as I started falling for a new guy who would be my boyfriend for the summer. And I would listen to jazz in this one coffee shop across the street from the courts and while the rain fell.

That summer had a specific playlist that just has that particular sound to it that just gives me those same feelings when I was there in that time. The album Side Pony by Lake Street Dive and songs like Our House by Misterwives and Classic by the Knocks ft. POWERS were songs that were on repeat. Saint Motel and Paloma Faith were also some big ones that shaped my music taste that summer.
Then my boyfriend that summer gave some input in my taste, introducing Alt-J and the song Gold Panda. His taste made me venture into a whole different sound that was nothing like jazz, pop or rock. And I can see the shift that happened. At one point, he sang The Way You Look Tonight by Frank Sinatra and it made me so happy. Once we broke up, I couldn’t listen to that music.  Any of the songs or artists involved would make me go into a panic if it played. I couldn’t play Alt-J, The Way You Look Tonight or even Stompa without crying.

Now, my music taste is unique. Its a mix of all this. Music is so strong that sometimes I need to take breaks. There are weeks where I don’t listen to music because its connected to an event.

There is still music I can’t listen to like Alt-J or anything by Relient K since my first boyfriend would sing these to me. Like a couple days ago, I saw an ad on TV about Alt-J going on tour and I froze while my heart was beating out of my chest.

Even a guy that I went on one date with, we listened to the radio and Hotel California played. And now, I go into a panic when it comes on. I guess I get triggered or something when I listen to certain songs.

Like specifically Fitz pleasure by Alt-J makes me go into panic mode because that was a song that my boyfriend and I made out to on the night before we broke up and how that was the night before the break up.

To me, music has a big impact in my life and it shows me where I was in my life. And sometimes I have to distance myself from some music in order to heal since those songs bring me back to a different time. And yes I lose some song that I liked. And honestly, I don’t mind since panic attacks aren’t fun.

Music is important to me and it can even dictate how I feel on a certain day. Music will always do this. Music, when I’m single, is very different. These songs don’t make me feel sad and don’t have a face and a feeling attached so its okay for me to listen to them whenever.

Well now everyone knows songs that can cause me to go into a panic so, you’re welcome.

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