The Great or Not So Great Goodbye

This is about what happened the night before everything fell apart in my 3-month relationship. 

My boyfriend wanted to see me that night and I had nothing to do but he didn’t want to pick me up because he wanted to drink that night so he got me an uber and off I went to his place. I was nervous the whole ride because something in my stomach told me that something was going to happen.

I saw him stand in the corner of his street and smile. I got out and we both thanked the uber driver. He hugged me as he checked his phone for Pokemon since he was obsessed with the game like everyone else at the time. He opened the doors for me and I took off my boots and got comfortable. It was really hot but he had recently installed air conditioning so it was a bit cool. I lay on the couch and he put some tv and asked me if I wanted something to drink. He gave me water and he cracked open a beer. He handed it to me to try and I did and I hated it. He laughed and we kept cuddling as we watched a comedy special. I kissed him but I felt like something was off and I kept asking him if there was something he wanted to tell me. He just kissed me and hugged me.

As we were deciding what to watch next, he makes me a screwdriver but he just told me it was orange juice but I’m no idiot. I keep asking what is in it till he tells me it’s just orange juice and vodka. I try it after he tells me and I hand it back to him as the awful aftertaste shakes my body. He drinks it and I keep drinking my water. Then he offers to make me coffee and I join him as he starts grinding the beans. He makes a cup and we share and kiss as we wait for it to cool down.

He then turns on his computer and puts his music and he starts singing and having fun. He plays The Way You Look Tonight by Frank Sinatra and he looks at me and kisses me and we hug. He keeps searching for music as I sit on his lap. He finds a song, its Fitzpleasure by Alt-J. And then he says this, what he says next is forever ingrained in my mind, “I like you. I want you.” and I respond by saying “You have me.” It felt straight out of a movie. And he grabs me and we start making out so passionately, as we knew this was the last time. As he carries me over to his bed, I hit my head on a cabinet and I don’t mind it.

We fool around and he is growling and saying how much he wants me until he finishes and I just lay there. Still, my head swirling and out of breath. I get up and he kisses me and we see the time. It’s really late, the past hour flew by. He calls an uber as I get dressed and I get my purse and out we go. I see the car and we kiss goodbye. I wave at him and I am so happy. I am through the roof. And as soon as I get home, I got a message from him and he didn’t sound very happy.

That following Sunday, he dumps me. Why? Because I didn’t let him have sex with me. That night might have been the final straw for him. He tells me that he was tempted to sleep with someone else because of this. And it broke me. I was the problem. I was the issue. I was the reason this relationship ended. Because I didn’t let a guy fuck me. And this was such a blow and it made me feel broken. It made me feel as if I was horrible. I felt like all I was good for was just sex and since I didn’t fulfill this need for him, I was useless. I realized that it didn’t matter if I was smart, or funny or that I genuinely cared for this guy. What mattered was if I was okay with him fucking me. To this day, I am still fucked up from this and I am now slightly terrified of this happening again.

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